Quest For The Perfect Wingman
by imdrowninginfootwear
Summary: When Barney loses Ted over Robin he begins to search for a new wingman. It becomes an epic challenge with characters from both Criminal Minds and How I Met Your Mother. At least one contestant is kicked out in each challenge. Who is Barney's perfect man?
1. Prologue

Prologue

_I can't believe Ted doesn't want to be my wingman anymore; he was perfect, _thought Barney Stinson. _I guess I'd better look for a new one, but will there ever be a better one._

"Barney, are you coming back to bed?" Asked the woman Barney had picked up at the bar, just hours before.

"Yeah, just a minute!" Barney yelled a little too harshly towards his bedroom. _Forget Ted, he's the worst wingman ever, now he's keeping me from sleeping with girls_, he thought guiltily as he got up and returned to bed.

The next morning Barney quietly snuck out of his apartment, making sure not to wake up the fast asleep girl. When he got to the taxi he realized that he had forgotten his laptop, just as he debated going back to get it he heard something come crashing to the ground beside him.

"Barney you pig! Get up here right now, we need to talk!" screamed a very angry half-dressed girl from the window.

As Barney opened the door of the cab and went to get in it, he heard one of his least favourite things come from the window.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me!"

Barney got in the cab as fast as he could and shouted, "DRIVE!"

Ted Mosby awoke to a pounding at his door. He slowly got out of bed and walked towards the door. Flinging the door open he angrily muttered, "What do you want Barney?"

"Don't worry Ted, I'm not here to bother you, I just need to use your computer. I forgot my laptop at my apartment, and well . . . there's a crazy woman in there," Barney replied quickly, afraid that Ted would close the door in his face.

"You really don't understand the term 'leave me alone,' do you?" Ted reacted, just beginning to wake up.

"Actually that's why I need the computer; I'm putting up an entry form for my new wingman on my blog," Barney replied arrogantly.

"Wait, do you actually think that will work?" Ted started, holding back laughs, "It's not like anyone actually reads your blog. Even if they did, why would anyone _compete_ to be your wingman? Make sure to mention that you'll steal their ex, try and make them suit up, and waste their time making them play laser tag."

"So does that mean that I can use the computer then if you're giving me tips on how to advertise my awesomeness?" Barney asked in a bragging voice.

"Whatever, as long as you just leave me alone. Besides I wouldn't want to keep you from finding the perfect man," Ted replied. "I'm going to go meet Marshall and Lily for brunch; they're setting me up with an old friend. Whatever you do, just don't break the computer."

"You know what, laugh all you want. But when I do find the perfect man well, we'll see who's laughing then!" Barney declared, pointing his finger to the air for dramatic effect.

"I'm pretty sure that it will still be me, but whatever. I'm out!" With that he slammed the door in Barney's face as he left for brunch; little did he know that he wouldn't be meeting up with anyone new at brunch today.

**_A/N: Criminal Minds characters will be introduced in the next chapter._**


	2. The Bet

"Hey Reid, come over here," Derek Morgan called to his awkward little friend across the office. "I need to show you something!"

Spencer Reid who had been sitting around playing with a toy yo-yo got up and quickly walked over to where Morgan was sitting.

"What is it, a new case?" asked Reid excitedly.

"Even better," Morgan said raising his eyebrows up and down twice.

"Uh . . . Are you coming on to me?" Spencer said beginning to back away.

"I was reading this blog online and the writer truly is the master of the one night stand," Morgan began as Reid's facial expression changed to shock. "It turns out that he's looking for a new wingman to take under his wing, Reid you have to try, this could really help you."

"A new_ what_?" Reid asked confused.

"Wingman, it means a guy you take to bars with you to help you pick up women," replied Morgan sarcastically.

"But I already have a girlfriend, remember the actress I risked my life for back in Hollywood," Reid responded defending himself.

"You mean Lila Archer, I hate to break it to you but she's not really your girlfriend since you left LA," Morgan responded, "Even if you saved her from a crazed lesbian."

"Be that as it may I'm still not sure if I'm comfortable with this . . ." Spencer trailed off.

"Come on Reid, it's going to be loads of fun, I promise you that if you don't pick up at least one girl you like I'll stop flirting with Garcia!" Morgan said with emotion in his voice.

"Well don't do that sweet cheeks, how will I live?" asked Garcia walking in the room out of nowhere.

"Don't worry cupcake I won't have to," Morgan replied.

"We'll see about that," Reid said, "I'm in."

"Sweet!" Morgan said.

"Wait, what exactly are we talking about," asked Elle as she walked in the room.

"A contest for becoming the wingman of a true god," replied Morgan.

"Sounds easy to me, I'm in," replied Elle, "That is unless this 'god' happens to be you."

"It is not, but there's no way a girl would win," Morgan replied smirking.

"Oh really, let's all join, but to make this interesting if any of us win the others have to pay up," Penelope said.

"All right," said J.J. who had been discussing the last case in a corner of the office with Gideon and Hotch.

"Well then, I'm in, how about you Hotch, are you in for an old fashioned competition?" Gideon asked.

"Wait you think that you can win Jason, I think the contest is aimed at a younger crowd," Morgan laughed.

"Whatever you say Derek, but we both know that I'll win," replied Gideon. "So seriously, how about it Hotch."

"Not a chance, what do you think that my wife would say . . . besides I have a baby to take care of," replied Hotchner.

"Yeah that's why you're not joining, not because you know that you're worse at picking up ladies than Reid," Elle said.

Morgan shouted, "Snap!" fist-bumping Elle.

"Hey! Words hurt, even when they're true," replied Reid sadly.

"How much are we betting then," asked Garcia, "I suggest five hundred dollars."

"Then it's on," replied J.J.

* * *

**A/N: I know that this chapter has been a long time coming, sorry. This chapter wasn't very exciting, but I had to introduce the CM characters to the competition. Hotch may appear later on, but he won't be a main character**


	3. Brunch

"Hey guys I'm sorry I'm late, I had an unwanted visitor at the apartment," Ted apologized.

"That's fine as long as you're here now, and oddly enough in pyjamas still," replied Marshall.

"Damn it Barney," Ted muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry about it, you don't want to keep your man waiting," replied Marshall.

"Wait, what? Did you just say _man_?" Ted asked panicking.

"Yup," said Lily, "It's okay Ted, we know that you're gay, we heard you talking about how you love Hannah Montana in your sleep."

"Plus we've seen you watching High School Musical, more than once," added Marshall.

"That's a brilliant movie, and so what that doesn't make me gay!" Ted exclaimed.

"Uh yeah, it does," replied Lily, "Besides you don't want to disappoint James."

"James? As in Barney's brother? You have got to be kidding me," Ted replied, "I have to go to the bathroom, if James shows up apologize for me and tell him that it was a misunderstanding."

"Uhm . . . Ted, you might not want to go in there right now . . ." Marshall started.

"Yeah, because I really trust you right now Marshall," Ted replied angrily as he walked off.

* * *

"Oh hi Ted," said James batting his eyelashes while washing his hands.

"Could this day possibly get any worse," Ted grumbled. "Look James I'm very sorry about this, but I am not gay and I just can't go through with this."

"You may be hiding in the closet, but you certainly are gay," replied James, "But that's okay for you I'll wait. . . I'm going to leave, why don't you have a nice meal with your friends and sort this out, call me when you're ready."

* * *

The next day, at the same restaurant, Morgan, Reid, Gideon, Elle, Garcia, and J.J. were having brunch.

"I told you guys that brunch is a great idea, but no you guys all said differently, well who's laughing now?" asked Morgan.

"I'm going to say that it would definitely be me, especially considering how masculine you sound right now," laughed Elle.

"At least I still sound more masculine than Reid," said Morgan.

"Don't talk about Reid that way or you'll all be fired," said Gideon with a little bit too much emotion.

"Uh . . . Gideon, why so defensive," asked J.J.

"Because he's Gideon's special friend," replied Garcia.

"I'm sitting right here you guys, and I don't appreciate your comments," said Reid barely holding back tears.

"Come on Reid we know that you and Gideon aren't an item, it's just a joke take it easy," replied Morgan.

An awkward silence was held after that for what felt like decades before J.J. finally asked, "When is the first challenge start?"

"We meet outside his apartment at 1:30," replied Gideon.

"1:30? That's in two hours," replied Elle, "We still have to find his apartment building, and we can't show up late."

"Then I guess that we better get going if we want to win this competition," replied Garcia.

"Check please."

* * *

**A/N: ****Liking Hannah Montana and High School Musical not only makes Ted gay it also makes him crazy. Hope**** you liked this one, the next chapter will be the first challenge. Please review!**


	4. The Limo

Outside of Barney Stinson's apartment building, a group was starting to form.

"Are you sure we're at the right place?" Prentiss asked Rossi.

"Well, there's a black guy over there, so no," Rossi said.

"Hey, who in the hell are you to judge me?" Morgan said.

"Well actually…" Said Reid beginning to rant in an excited tone of voice.

Morgan hit Reid in the stomach. "I didn't actually need to know."

"That'll be your new coworker in a few months," Gideon said casually.

Everybody turned and said, "What?"

"And who is this fine lady?" Garcia asked as JJ whispered something into her ear.

"Your worst enemy, your biggest competition" Prentiss said while Rossi wrote notes about how hot Morgan was in a little notebook, at the end saying "If only he weren't black…"

Reading Rossi's notes over his shoulder with curiosity, Elle said, "Morgan you better turn into Michael Jackson, this one's a keeper."

Morgan then began singing Thriller, only to have Hotch slap him across this face. "This is serious," Hotch declared. "My wife is in labor!"

Gideon then turned to Rossi and said, "Would you like to have a child with me?"

Rossi wrote further notes, pondering whether he should just accept that Gideon's the best he's going to get.

Reid suddenly turned and said, "Wait a second, Hotch. You're divorced, that's why you're in on the bet now. And your wife already had a child…"

"I know, I just wanted attention…" Hotch said, trailing off.

JJ had finally stopped whispering in Garcia's ear and said, "But Gideon, I thought you already knocked Reid up?"

Garcia turned and shared a secret handshake with JJ. "Snap!"

Gideon was too busy undressing Rossi with his mind to notice, so Reid piped up, "No, don't you know that it's biologically impossible for us to have a child?" He ran away crying.

Prentiss began to run after him but turned around halfway to him, remembering she didn't know him, and that he was competition (sort of.)

Hotch elbowed Gideon in the stomach very hard at his obvious obliviousness to Reid's tears. After Hotch explained the situation to Gideon, Gideon pulled out a slide whistle and said, "I'll handle this."

Gideon attempted to play the slide whistle, but it made no sound.

"Are you sure it's working?" JJ asked.

"It's alright," Replied Gideon. "This is a whistle that only Reid can hear."

"And how did you figure this out exactly?" asked Elle.

At that Reid began running back through the parking lot yelling, "I'm so sorry Gideon!" With his arms open for a hug. Unfortunately, at the last second Rossi stepped in the way and stole a hug, whispering into Reid's ear, "I love you…"

At that point in time, Barney finally decided to show up with Marshall, Lily, Ted, Ranjiit and Robin, half an hour late, and called everyone to order.

"Alright, everybody listen up. Today we're going to have our first challenge…"

"Barney, you son of a bitch!" yelled an angry woman throwing a laptop out of the window of his apartment.

"Alright, everybody get in the limo. I'll explain in there," Barney said.

Reid put up his hand then and said, "Excuse me, but this limo can only fit fourteen people and there are fifteen of us."

Barney said, "Well, I guess you're not allowed in my limo."

Morgan said, "It's alright, Reid. You can sit on my lap."

Barney said, "Whatever… Queers."

As soon as the limo began to move, Barney began to explain again. The first challenge is laser tag at the Kiddie Dome downtown."

Morgan then replied, "I think I know my way around a gun."

"It's true, he does," Said Reid, who was still sitting on his lap. "And thanks for teaching me to use one Hotch."

Morgan and Gideon scream in unison, "WHAT?"

"Oh, never mind… We're talking about _real _guns now. Right?" Gideon asked.

All of a sudden out of nowhere Reid started to scream, "Stop it!" at the top of his lungs and turned to glare at Gideon who was once again playing the slide whistle.

Gideon replied, "Just tuning," with a boyish grin.

Rossi turned to talk to Prentiss because he was getting sick of all this conversation centered around black people, only to find that Prentiss, JJ, Garcia, Elle, Robin, Lily, and Ted were all huddled up in the back of the limo having girl talk.

Ted's voice chimed up above the other's saying. "Like, I totally think I should paint my nails red to match Hannah Montana's dress in her latest movie."

Garcia gave him a death glare. "You watch that show? Get. Out. NOW!

Ted asked Reid if he can switch places and sit in Morgan's lap. Reid happily agreed, saying to Morgan, "…Have you met Ted?"

"No, and yet he's already sitting on my lap," Morgan said.

Barney said, "Shut up! I'm still explaining. I've been explaining for the last ten minutes with only Ranjiit listening!" He then gave Ranjiit a warm hug. "Alright, here are the rules. This will be one free for all round and whoever has the lowest score is automatically eliminated. Because I need my wingman to be an amazing laser tag partner for tournaments."

Garcia began to have a panic attack, remembering the time she got shot. But then Morgan, picking up Ted and putting him back down on the seat walked over and gave her a warm hug, reading her mind. Or maybe just hearing the screams of "No, not again! I'm not getting shot again!"

"We're here," yelled Marshall at the top of his lungs. "And I'm going to beat the crap out of all of you."

"Can I be on your team?" Asked Ted.

"No-can-dos-ville baby doll. No teams, right Barney?" asked Marshall.

Then Lily ran from the back of the limo all the way to the front where Marshall was sitting and bitch-slapped him across the face, screaming, "Don't you call anyone else baby doll."

Robin burst into laughter as JJ began to whisper into her ear instead of Garcia's, who didn't notice because she was still being hugged by Morgan.

"Alright. Let's go laser tag suit up!" Barney said as they all got out of the limo with Morgan still hugging Garcia and Reid clinging to his side.

* * *

**A/N: ****I know that I said that this would be the first challenge, but I really found this chapter neccesary. Sorry for taking so long for updating. The next one will be the first challenge for sure, I promise. Ted is to girly even for the girl talk, lol. Any guesses on the couples?**


	5. Pants Lickers

Reid tripped over his own feet the starting horn rang. Everyone standing anywhere near him began to gang up on him as he lay on the floor getting shot over and over.

"No!" yelled Morgan at the top of his lungs as he ran over shooting everyone causing them to run away.

"Are you alright Reid, you aren't hurt or anything are you?" Morgan asked genuinely concerned.

"Well I skinned my knee and I left my hello kitty band-aids in the limo," replied Reid trying not to cry.

"All right for the rest of the game we'll be a team, you watch that way and tell me if anybody's coming," Morgan said pointing over to the other side of the small room they were in.

A short time later while Morgan was fighting off Hotch, Elle, Prentiss, Ted, and Robin at his doorway and somehow succeeding Reid began yelling to Morgan I hear footsteps!

"I'm a little busy, just shoot whoever it is until they leave or I come over there," Morgan replied struggling not to get hit by Hotch's lasers.

Ranjiit came running around the corner shooting at Reid over and over. He was laughing as hard as he could until his cell phone started ringing. He ran away and was about to hit ignore when he noticed that it was his wife calling. He answered the phone to discover that his wife was in the angriest mood he had ever heard her in, and over the stupidest thing, he had forgot to put his pants in the drier.

While Ranjiit tried to calm his angry wife her screams could be heard all across the arena. Within two minutes he had attracted everyone except Gideon, Barney and Rossi to shoot him while he talked on the phone. Occasionally someone would shoot someone else, but mostly they shot at Ranjiit.

Meanwhile Gideon and Rossi were hunting down Barney and each other separately, and occasionally shooting someone near the back of the crowd around Ranjiit. As the crowd finally began to disperse because they were getting bored and wanted to catch Gideon and Rossi the ending horn rang and they ran off to the lobby.

Barney was given the score card from the game and before he read off the results he told the contestants that whoever came in first got a free frappuchino courtesy of him and whoever came in last would be automatically eliminated.

"All right, in first place and the lucky winner of a frappuchino is Derek Morgan. In second is Robin Scherbatsky," Barney began announced.

"Dammit," Robin muttered under her breath not so quietly causing several heads to turn.

"In third place me, in fourth Emily Prentiss, fifth is David Rossi, then Jason Gideon, followed by Elle Greenaway, Aaron Hotchner, Marshall Eriksen, Jennifer Jareau, Lily Eriksen, Ted Mosby, Penelope Garcia, Spencer Reid, and in last place Ranjiit.

"Everyone should go get in the limo except Morgan, we'll meet you there in a minute," Barney announced.

After everyone cleared out of the lobby Barney turned to the man working at the snack bar asked for two mocha frappuchinos. Then they went back to the limo after Barney gave Morgan a celebratory high five and legendary.

When they were back in the limo right as it began to move Barney spilled his frappuchino all over his lap.

Elle crazy as she was and really craving a frappuchino asked if she could lick it up.

"Sure," Barney replied, "in fact if you do you get automatic immunity at the next challenge."

Hearing this Reid slowly walked over and sheepishly licked the other side of Barney's pants than Elle was.

"What the hell are you doing, get away from my suit!" Barney screamed, "You are automatically eliminated instead of Ranjiit unless you can get 15 hot girls numbers programmed in my phone with pictures in half an hour."

"Sure . . . I mean I can try . . ." Reid trailed off.

Barney turned around and yelled to the driver, "To MacLaren's!"

* * *

**A/N: ****Sorry about how long it took for me to update, also for how short this chapter is. I hoped you liked it and I am going to try and start updating more often. I am also debating starting a new story,**** but if I do I will still update this story so don't worry.**


	6. Turrets?

**A/N: ****This chapter is dedicated to The Vampire Act for standing by this story from the start . . . and still reading it, if you didn't review I might not keep going.**

"All right now in half an hour if you're not back in the limo I will come find you and check how many numbers you got," Barney began, "but we won't come in because we don't need too many dudes distracting the ladies! And time starts . . . now!"

Reid instantly jumped out the limo with Barney's phone in hand and ran full speed into the bar; he was going to need all the time he could get.

As soon as he walked in the bar he walked over to an attractive blond who was standing alone at the counter.

"Excuse me miss, uh . . . can I buy you a drink . . ." Reid asked timidly.

"Sure, I'll have a dackery, by the way my name's Sheri," She responded, "You know, there are not a lot of men like you out there, and I bet a lot of girls find you to nerdy. But me, I think that you're a good guy, the kind that doesn't think of girls of one-night stands, who won't cheat on girls with their sisters."

Clearly the woman had been through a lot of heart break lately and Reid felt bad for her, but was gladder that she wasn't rejecting him.

A few minutes later he had her phone number, but a little too for his time limits, he had to score a number every two minutes and that had taken him five. Reid approached another woman and before he could even finish his sentence he was rejected. The same thing happened with the next two women and Reid began to panic.

Meanwhile back in the limo Morgan had just chugged his whole frappuchino and was in desperate need of a washroom.

"I need to take a piss; can I go inside for a minute?" Morgan asked Barney, afraid that the rules of everyone staying in the limo would keep him from the washroom.

"Sure, who am I, your mother?" Barney replied with a confused look on his face.

Reid was debating just walking out to the limo when Morgan walked in the bar; he went over to talk to him.

"Why are you in here?" he asked, not in a mean way though, he was just confused.

"I have to take a leak," Morgan replied, "So how's it going with the ladies?"

"Horrible, I've only gotten one number and I really don't think I can possibly get fourteen more," Reid said with a heavy sigh.

"Reid, look around at how the girls are staring at me," Morgan said with a wide grin.

"Dammit, this is not a time for bragging Derek," Reid said angrily, "Yes, I know the ladies love you, but how the hell is that going to help me?"

"Simple," Morgan replied, "Tell them that you're looking for a blind date for your shy friend, me!" Morgan said beaming. "By now every girl in hear has my face implanted in their minds; use it to your advantage kid!"

"Thank you Morgan, I love you," Reid said excitedly before hurrying off to confront another girl.

With a shocked, yet pleased look on his face Morgan strutted to the bathroom. When he walked out Reid was surrounded by a group of hot girls, he waved goodbye with a smirk and then walked back to the limo.

"All right ladies, so I'll show him all your pictures and let him decide who he wants to go out with, and then I'll call them to set up the date," Reid said as he got up and walked out of the bar. The set-up was perfect, now none of the girls would be too upset when they didn't get a call, they'd just think that Morgan had chosen one of the other thirteen girls.

"Come to give up?" asked Barney as Reid got back in the limo.

"Actually, I've come to show you all the numbers I got," Reid replied smirking and winking at Morgan.

After flipping through the contacts in his phone Barney said, "That's impossible, how did you get that many numbers in only . . . nine minutes?" while looking at his watch.

Reid just grinned and kept his lips shut and went to sit on Morgan's lap, only to find Morgan flirting with Prentiss.

Not wanting to interrupt, he embarrassedly kept walking on his way to ask Hotch or Gideon if he could sit on one of their laps. But on the way a hand reached out and grabbed his arm, Reid looked up confused to see Rossi's friendly face.

"You can sit on my lap, it's free," he said matter-of-factly.

"Uh . . . okay," said Reid sitting down on Rossi.

"I'd better hold on to you tight so that you don't fall off," Rossi said smiling, "You know, in case it's a bumpy ride."

Reid thought he saw a flash of jealousy in Gideon's eyes but he couldn't be sure, the one thing that he was sure of was that Gideon wouldn't stop playing that damn slide whistle the whole way back to Barney's apartment where they were going to get their cars.

Hotch leaned over to Gideon and gently asked, "Jason, what are you doing?"

"I'm not letting that dinosaur steal my boyfriend, that's for sure!" Gideon declared a little too loudly.

Everyone on that side of the limo (Hotch, Lily, Elle, Marshall, Ted, Robin, JJ and Garcia) whipped their heads up in shock.

"Oh, you two make such a cute couple, I wish I had a boy – err . . . I mean girlfriend," announced Ted before turning back to girl talk, which was now centered on Gideon and Reid.

In fact the only people not participating in girl talk on that side of the limo were Marshall, Gideon, and Hotch. Marshall and Hotch were in the middle of a conversation, but Gideon had gone back to slide whistling.

"So what's it like being in the FBI?" Marshall asked casually.

"Who the fuck told you about that?" Demanded Gideon.

Hotch turned to him saying, "Jason how many times do I have to tell you, you don't have turrets, and it is not acceptable to talk to people like that."

"Fuck you Hotch," Gideon yelled before going back to slide whistling yet again.

Meanwhile at the front of the limo where Ranjiit, Barney, Morgan, Prentiss, Rossi, and Reid were sitting there was a lot of flirting going on. Barney was hitting on Morgan, Morgan was hitting on Prentiss, Prentiss was hitting on Rossi, Rossi was hitting on Reid, Reid was hitting on Barney (trying to get brownie points), and no one was hitting on Ranjiit.

It was a very confusing place to be because everybody was talking over each other. Barney was in the middle of saying, "What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper!" While Morgan was saying "If you were a sandwich at McDonalds, you'd be called McGorgeous." And Prentiss was saying, "You be my Burger King and I'll be your Dairy Queen, you treat me right and you can have it your way!" And Rossi was whispering, "Did hurt when you fell from heaven," And Reid was saying, "I lost my number can I have yours?" While trying to ignore the damn slide whistle. The whole time Ranjiit just sat in the corner crying hiding his true love for Barney.

When everyone finally got out of the limo Morgan turned to Reid and said, "Come on your coming in my car instead of Gideon's, we're going clubbing, you really need the practice."

**A/N: ****Yay Reid's safe! And hurray for cheesey pick-up lines. If anyone is reading this please review! Thanks :D**


	7. Gideon I Don't Think It Works That Way

Since Reid was riding in Morgan's car to the club, instead of back to the hotel in Gideon's the girls of the BAU divided in between Gideon and Hotch's car. Elle went in Gideon's car to make fun of him and Reid's relationship. JJ and Garcia went in Hotch's car because he promised to buy them ice cream if they rode in his car.

Hotch's car drove away with two very excited girls sticking their heads out the windows screaming, "Yay! Ice cream"and"I'm having three scoops!"

While an angry Hotch yelled, "Get your heads back in the car or you're not getting any, and I'll make you sit in the car while I go get mine!"

"So where are we headed?" Gideon asked Elle.

"I thought we were just going back to the hotel now so you could mope about your lost love," Elle said sarcastically.

"Hell no," replied Gideon, "I want to get drunk, and ensure Reid doesn't get any dates."

"Well I just happened to overhear which club they're planning to go to . . .," Elle began, "But it's going to cost you . . ."

"I'd do anything to make sure that my Spencey's night is a living hell without me," Gideon said.

"Then you have to give me that slide whistle of yours," Elle said matter-of-factly.

"Whatever I have like three of those in case one of them breaks," Gideon responded, "So where are we going?"

"The club name is Okay," Elle said, "How are you planning to get in? It's not like you've got the looks going for you."

"Easy, I'll flash the bouncer," replied Gideon.

Meanwhile back in Hotch's car, "That's it you two have gotten me four tickets on the way here, they're coming out of your pay checks, and you aren't getting any ice cream," Hotch declared before slamming the car door shut and walking into the ice cream shop.

"Thank god, how many warnings do we get?" JJ asked.

"I don't know," replied Garcia, "but you had better hurry up and drive before Hotch gets back here, he's at the front of the line!"

JJ quickly jumped in the driver's seat just as Hotch walked out with his small one-scoop ice cream screaming.

"Where did Elle say we were supposed to meet her?" JJ asked.

"A club called Okay," Garcia responded.

Back in the limo Barney asked everyone where he was dropping them off.

Marshall, Lily, Robin and Ted all had the same answer, "Okay," they all said at the same time.

"Then you have to take me, that place is legend -ary," Barney responded.

"Whatever," replied Robin, "But we're just helping Elle bother that pants-licking gay guy."

"Hey Ted, why are you even in this competition," Marshall asked.

"To prove I'm not gay! . . . And because I'm bored," replied Ted.

In all reality Ted was in the competition because he heard that there were going to be cute guys. In fact he hates clubs especially Okay, the only reason he was going was because that black muscular guy was so hot he could melt Hotch's ice cream.

Meanwhile back at the club Morgan was trying to teach Reid how to pick up girls, but was having a few difficulties.

"Alright now why don't you try that pick up line on the girl over there, she's pretty cute," Morgan said casually pointing to a tall girl with short blonde hair.

"Wait you think she's cute," Reid said sounding very hurt, "I thought long haired brunettes were more your type."

"Fine, then you pick the girl," Morgan said.

"How about that red-head in the corner, she's smoking . . . I mean not literally, but you know . . . she's hot," Reid said starting to stutter.

"Oh yeah if she's so smoking, why don't you just go talk to her then," Morgan said with jealousy.

"Well, isn't that the whole point of this to go hit on her?" Reid asked confused.

"So you think she's better looking than me," Morgan whined, "just because she can fit in a size six. I can't help it if my muscle makes my size bigger," With that Derek began to sob and ran to the bathroom.

Spencer just stood still in shock not sure of what had just happened, then suddenly fell to the floor in pain screaming, but no one heard him over the club music as he passed out.

**A/N: Sorry for the cliff hangerish thing. Hope you liked this chapter, even if it did take a long time to update. Another contest is coming up soon I promise. Review please.**


	8. Everybody's Happy! Oh Wait

_Spencer just stood still in shock not sure of what had just happened, then suddenly fell to the floor in pain screaming, but no one heard him over the club music as he passed out._

**Five Minutes Earlier:**

"Do you really think that it's going to work Gideon?" Asked a confused Elle.

"Yeah I've been coming to this club three times a year for the last decade, it works every time," Gideon responded, "Now hurry up!"

The two walked directly to the front of the line outside the club.

"Name?" Asked the bouncer.

"We're not on the list," Gideon said smiling with a gleam in his eyes.

"Then get to the back of the line old man!" The bouncer said angrily.

"Well then look at this," Gideon said lifting his shirt up to reveal a bomb strapped to his chest, "I've also strapped a bomb to one of your co-workers and the only way to keep me from blowing them up is to let me in. No one has to get hurt."

The bouncer was speechless and just stood in shock as Elle and Gideon walked around him into the club.

"What the hell was that?" Asked Elle.

"I always keep a bomb strapped to my chest," Gideon said in a voice that showed that he thoroughly thought that it was completely normal. "You know just in case."

"So you didn't strap a bomb to someone who works here?" Elle asked still confused.

"Fuck no!" Gideon began to say before he ran across the dance floor to Reid who had just fallen to the floor.

"Cool this slide-whistle does work!" said Elle who was following Gideon around.

"You're not supposed to play it that loud! Look what you've done!" Gideon screamed as he grabbed the slide-whistle out of Elle's hand and snapped it in half.

"There's only one thing that can help him now!" Gideon said excitedly.

Just as Barney, Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Robin walked in the club followed by JJ, Garcia, Prentiss, and Rossi; Gideon began to passionately make-out with Reid.

"What the hell!" Rossi screamed over-angrily as he ran over and pushed Gideon off of Reid. "He doesn't want you he wants me!"

"No he wants me!" yelled Ted excitedly, ". . . You know not that I care . . . Because I don't like men."

While the three men were fighting and everyone else was laughing Reid became conscious again. He laid on the ground confused for a couple minutes before he found out what the fight was about.

"No, I don't want any of you!" Reid screamed angrily.

All three men turned and glared at Reid.

"You don't have to hide our love anymore!" Rossi said excitedly.

"Don't worry we can be together!" Gideon screamed.

"No I don't like any of you!" Reid screamed as loud as he could. "I like someone way better than all of you combined."

"Who is it, I won't believe you until you tell me who the fuck it is!" Gideon screamed.

"Fine, I give up trying to hide it I'm in love with Morgan okay! There I said it, now you all know! The whole reason I'm in this competition is to impress him! Are you happy now? Now leave me alone and don't tell him, I have to go make things right with him!" Reid yelled angrily as the girls began to laugh even louder.

Reid turned around to storm off, but stopped when he almost walked into a very shocked looking Derek Morgan.

"Look kid I'll make you a deal, we can be a couple, but we have to keep it from Barney." Morgan whispered gesturing towards the blonde man who was currently grinding with a girl. "That way one of us can win, and we can put the $2500 we win from the bet towards redecorating for when we move in together!"

No one had heard any of this conversation because the girls, and Rossi, Gideon, and Ted, were all hitting on the attractive bartender fishing for free drinks. Also Marshall and Lily were too busy making out in the corner.

After Barney was rejected by the girl he was grinding he decided it was time for another contest since everybody was there anyways.

Meanwhile back at the ice cream shop Hotch was sitting on the bench outside the ice cream shop waiting for his taxi and sadly staring at the wall beside him.

He kept reading the note Garcia and JJ had left him in pink spray paint on the brick wall.

_Hotch,_

_Don't be mad, we just wanted to go bother Morgan and Reid at Okay, the club they went to. We would have just gone with Gideon, but he had a bomb strapped to his chest, and was threatening to blow us all up if we got in his car. We had to get you all those tickets and steal your car because we didn't want to take you or tell you because we knew you'd want to come and you're a severe party pooper. See you at the hotel!_

_ Love,_

_ Jennifer Jareau and Penelope Garcia_

Hotch had a head-ache and was super pissed at the girls, he was debating going to the club to yell at them. But that would be admitting that he really was a party pooper.


	9. The Itsy Bitsy Spider

"Alright now here are the rules so listen up!" Barney Stinson yelled at the top of his lungs over the club music. "Tonight's competition is a dance off, but not the kind you're used to! Because there are so many of us everyone just will choose their one very best dance move and show it off on their turn. Elle you're up first!"

With that Elle strutted over to where Barney was standing and instantly started grinding with him. When she was done showing her move Barney was looking impressed.

"Well I like that move! Marshall you're next." He screamed.

Marshall ran over and started to do a crazy impressive and complicated version of the sprinkler.

"Wow! I don't even know what to say!" Barney said in shock at the dance skills.

"Tantrum!" Marshall screamed holding up a can of Tantrum.

"Dammit Marshall I was saving that one!" Ted screamed.

"Shut up Ted, you're next." Barney said angrily.

With that Ted began to do the dance moves that go along with the itsy bitsy spider.

" . . . Umm . . . your turn Rossi." Barney said in shock at how poorly Ted danced, especially since he screwed up halfway through and had to start over.

Rossi walked up and instantly started into the disco dancing pointing his finger towards the sky and then to the floor over and over.

"Okay your turns up now, Garcia you're up!"

Garcia didn't really have any experience with dancing . . . except for a ballet class that she took when she was six. She decided to do an especially twirly move from her old routine which caused everyone to laugh.

"Ugh, does no one here have any dance skills except Elle and Marshall?" Barney asked starting to get annoyed. "Morgan you're up and it had better be good!"

Morgan took three steps forward and was instantly swarmed by a group of hot girls; he instantly stepped back with a grin on his face.

"That's not even a dance move!" Lily complained.

"It doesn't matter, it's clearly effective, and you're up Lily." Barney said wondering how Morgan had done that.

Lily was disgusted with this competition. She couldn't think of any dance moves, but she figured that anything is better than what most of these people were doing. She decided to do the only thing she could think of . . . the Macarena.

"Great job babe!" Marshall screamed supportively as he threw a bar stool across the room.

"Yeah . . . whatever," Barney said clearly unimpressed. "JJ your turn."

JJ got up from her seat and began to do her favourite move, the snorkel . . . it always made Henry smile. Except this version was not one designed for small children. JJ had managed to make the snorkel sexual by sticking her butt out as far as she could in a scooping motion every time she got back up.

"Well it's better than most!" Barney said with his mouth watering. "Gideon you're up!"

Gideon ran over and instantly began a quick paced jig that involved jumping over bar stools.

"Wow that was fairly impressive for an old guy, buy I don't really think that it's something that is going to get you girls . . ." Barney trailed off when Prentiss decided that it was her turn and began moshing.

Within seconds the whole club had transformed into a mosh pit.

"Okay Robin you're next," Barney said dodging the fists.

Robin stepped forward and then did a head stand and began spinning on her head break dance style.

"Wow! That is going to be a hard move to follow!" Barney said. "Reid you're last and probably tied for least."

Reid would have said something if he weren't so nervous. Also he was highly convinced that it was true.

As soon as he had sufficiently psyched himself up he began to perform the funky chicken but then fell onto the floor screaming in pain.

"Jesus Christ!" Reid screamed looking down at his dislocated left knee.

"Let's get him to a car and drive him to the hospital!" Robin screamed.

"No you can't we have to call an ambulance to get his kneecap back in," JJ said.

"God that's disgusting why is his kneecap on the side of his leg?" Lily asked hiding her face in Marshall's chest.

A few minutes later an ambulance showed up to take him to the hospital, along with some police cars.

Morgan got into the back of the ambulance with Reid and texted Hotch as the ambulance drove away.

Rossi got in his car with Prentiss and barely managed to stay under the speed limit as he drove to the hospital that Reid was being taken to.

Gideon went to go do the same thing as Rossi, but was stopped by two police officers.

"Excuse me sir, but you're going to have to come over here with us," one of them said gesturing towards JJ and Garcia were standing with another pair of officers.

Seeing that Elle needed a ride Barney told his limo driver to pull over and picked her up and then Barney, Elle, Marshall, Lily, Ted, and Robin all drove off to the hospital.

**A/N: Hope you like it please review.**

**What's going on with the cops? Will Reid be okay? Who will be eliminated from the competition? Will Hotch admit to being a party pooper? Keep reading to find out! :D**


	10. Even More Cheesy Pickup Lines!

Several hours later at the hospital Reid was finally ready to leave. Everything turned out fine, he didn't tear any ligaments. But he had to use crutches and wear an immobilizer brace to prevent it from happening again as it was very likely for his knee to pop out again soon.

Since the only cars that had shown up at the hospital were the limo and Rossi's car Elle, Morgan, Reid, Barney, Lily, Marshall, Ted, Robin, and Hotch (who had rode there in a taxi since his car was missing) rode in the limo.

They were just about to leave when Rossi and Prentiss came running over screaming, "Wait, my car won't start!"

"Dammit! Do I have to take everyone home?" Barney asked angrily.

"Well since practically everyone is here, and the person getting kicked out is here I may as well tell you the results of this challenge."

"I'm sorry to do this, but Reid you're out of the competition," Barney said looking at the man sitting in the back of the car who was highly-drugged with morphine. "But it isn't about the injury at all, just the dance. The injury may have swarmed you with girls, but the funky chicken really didn't."

"Whoa! Elle your hair is like totally purple!" Reid responded with.

"But that isn't even fair!" Morgan screamed. "Hotch wasn't even at the competition!"

Barney's cell began to ring loudly.

"Hello?" Barney said expectantly. "Oh, it's you . . . Wait what? Why the hell- Wait what-"

"What's going on?" Ted asked.

"Gideon is-" Barney began to say, but was interrupted by Hotch's phone ringing.

"Hello?" Hotch answered. "Jennifer what the hell is going on? You got arrested? Well then maybe you shouldn't have spray painted the ice cream shop wall and stolen my car. There really is nothing I can do about that!"

After Hotch hung up his phone everyone stared at him except or Barney.

"So now Gideon and JJ are both arrested?" Barney asked.

"And Garcia," Hotch answered.

"Wait why is Gideon arrested?" Morgan asked curiously.

"For threatening multiple people with a bomb that was strapped to his chest," Barney answered. "So I guess this changes the results a little bit. Reid you're still in. JJ, Garcia, Gideon, and Hotch, you are out!"

Hotch was about to fight back but Morgan's phone was ringing.

"Hello," Morgan answered.

"Hey my choco thunder god!"

"Garcia? Why did you get yourself arrested?" Morgan asked.

"For stealing your heart!" Garcia responded.

"Are you drunk?" Morgan asked.

"Maybe just a little . . . Okay a lot," Garcia said shrugging her shoulders expecting Morgan to see.

"You know I've always loved you Morgan!" Garcia screamed into the phone. "I used to stalk you all the time, I still have all your used Kleenexes from the time I took care of you when you had a really bad cold!"

"Umm . . . Garcia . . ." Morgan said while all eyes were glued to him.

"Talk dirty to me!" Garcia continued to say. Morgan tried to respond and shut her up, but she wouldn't let him talk. "Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them!"

"Garcia if you say one more thing like that I am hanging up!" Morgan screamed.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Garcia asked.

"Actually yeah," Morgan responded really starting to get annoyed.

"Well then you need a _**MAN**_-friend!" Garcia yelled giggling.

"That doesn't even make sense!" Morgan yelled.

"I'd marry your cat just to be in the family!" Garcia yelled.

"I'm going to hang up," Morgan warned through gritted teeth.

"Are you accepting applications for your fan club?" Morgan went to hang up, but Reid took the phone from Morgan's hand.

"My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want!" Garcia said.

"Hi Garcia! I don't like tickling. It always makes me laugh though!" Reid screamed into the phone.

"Can you put Morgan on the phone?" Garcia asked slurring the words.

"Hey Morgan, this is weird Garcia called my phone and asked for you!" Reid said to Elle.

"Umm . . . Reid, I'm over here, and I am not talking to her!" Morgan answered.

"He's on the toilet right now!" Reid said going back on the phone.

Morgan was mouthing swears at Reid, but the young man didn't seem to notice.

"Yeah! He's taking a colossal shit, so he can't talk to you right now!" Reid said winking at Rossi, but intending it for Morgan. Rossi winked back, so Reid thought he must be moving on the right track in this conversation.

"Oh, okay!" Garcia said cheerfully as if it were perfectly normal to be told that by Reid. "Do you have any good pick-up lines for when he gets out?"

"Yeah, but you better be careful I heard he's going out with someone right now!" Reid blurted out.

"Hotch!" Spencer screamed.

"Really?" Garcia asked interested.

"Oh wait . . . No, it's me I think," He responded confusedly. "But we can share!"

"So how about those pick-up lines then?" Penelope asked.

"Alright here are my favourite two . . . but they're almost the same," Reid answered. "There's this movie I wanted to go see, but my Mom won't let me go alone. Will you go?"

"Oh my god that's amazing Reid!" Garcia shrieked into the phone. "What's your other favourite?"

"Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package!" Reid said.

"That like perfectly describes me and Morgan's relationship!" Garcia said starting to get really excited. "Got anymore!"

"You know what goes together like peanut butter and jelly? You and me!" Reid said.

"You know what Reid; you just keep going I don't even want to interrupt your brilliant mind!"

"Why do they call me coffee? I grind so well!" Reid said excitedly.

"Which one of the Spice Girls are you? . . . That one works great on Morgan!"

Garcia giggled on the other end of the line before Reid started to talk loudly yet again.

"Hi, my name's Doug. That's god spelt backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it!"

"My love for you is like diarrhoea, I just can't hold it in!"

Garcia cut him off before he could start another pick-up line.

"Those are all amazing, but the nice police officer here says that I have to get the fuck off the damn phone!"

"Okay, but I have just a few more. . . I shit in my pants, can I get in yours?" Reid answered quickly.

"Excuse me, I'm from the FBI. The Fine Body Investigators and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position! And then you show them your badge, works every time!"

All that Reid heard in response was "Miss you have to hang up the goddamn phone!" and then the conversation was over.

"Whoa, Morgan! When the fuck did you get out of the shitter?" Reid asked Prentiss.

"I have a very bad idea of what you're like when you're drunk," she answered.

"I swear to god kid if you weren't already crippled you would have been by now!" Morgan screamed.

"Oh calm down Morgan I'll make it better with a kiss, just like the one at the club . . . come here!" Reid screamed.

Everyone just assumed that Reid was making that up. That is until Morgan decided to scream, "Reid us going out was just supposed to be our little secret!"

"Wait you two are literal queers!" Barney screamed angrily.

**A/N: Alright I hope you guys like reading this chapter as much as I loved writing it! Also yes, I did have to bring back cheesy pick-up lines. Who will win . . . Ted, Lily, Marshall, Robin, Reid, Morgan, Elle, Rossi, or Prentiss? It's the top nine now!**


	11. Slamming the Closet Door Behind Them!

_"Wait you two are literal queers!" Barney screamed angrily._

Morgan was good at thinking on his feet by now and instantly turned to Barney. "What? Reid and I aren't a fucking item! Jesus Christ! I meant going out to a club the last night we were in Quantico. I was teaching the kid a lesson in the ladies, that's how he succeeded at the bar! Tonight was just lesson two!"

Although it was a fairly decent excuse considering the amount of alcohol in each of the passengers systems, it did him no good.

"What are you talking about? Are you breaking up with me?" Reid screeched in a high pitched voice.

"No, I'm not because we were never going out!" Morgan said angrily wishing that his boyfriend wasn't so highly drugged.

"Sure we were, here I have a picture of us kissing on my phone see!" Reid said holding up his wallet.

It didn't matter that Spencer had pulled out his wallet because Elle instantly pulled his phone out of his pocket and found the picture.

After she had a good laugh and had shown the picture to everyone she put Spencer's phone back into his pocket.

"You two are so out, right now!" Barney screamed.

"That's not fucking fair!" Morgan snarled.

"Give me five great reasons why I would want one of you as a gay wingman," Barney said.

"Number one: You know that we won't rack jack you!" Morgan said.

"True, four to go!" Barney announced.

"Number two: We can still get women; you saw how they swarmed at me!" Morgan said.

"I guess . . . but you still have three more!" Barney said.

"Number three: Women will trust us and not just think we're trying to get into their pants!" Morgan said.

"Two more!" Barney said.

"Number four: We know how women think, both as profilers and as homosexuals!" Morgan said.

"I guess that could be useful," Barney said tiredly.

"And number five, last but certainly not least, we know how to respect a suit!" Morgan said with a smirk.

"As every human should! You're in!" Barney said enthusiastically.

**(Mid Chapter A/N: Sorry this took so long to update, I got to here and then was super busy, but it's done now!)**

"And you had better get ready for the next competition!" Barney shouted. "Tomorrow at five o'clock you guys are showing me a . . ." sparks came flying from his sleeve, "Magic show! You'd better get your tricks ready quick . . . I hope you won't be too hung over!"

The next day at about one o'clock everyone was setting up their tricks and rapidly practicing trying to perfect them on time.

Rossi was sitting in his hotel room with a paper plate, a jar of pennies, and two pieces of cardboard.

Robin was sitting in her apartment playing with a fake bloody finger.

Prentiss was sitting at a restaurant with a coffee and focused on fiddling with her spoon

Ted was sitting at his kitchen table desperately trying to get a card trick right.

Marshall was sitting on the couch with Lily; he was playing with a toothpick and his ring. She was messing around with ear buds, an iPod, scissors, and a wire.

Reid and Morgan were sitting on Reid's bed in their hotel room with a straightjacket, a watermelon, a knife, and a hundred dollar bill.

Elle already knew exactly what she was going to do and was busy working her new part-time stripping job at a strip club a block away from the hotel.

Four hours later it was time for the show, everyone was there waiting except for Morgan and Reid.

"If they don't show up in two minutes they're automatically eliminated!" Barney declared impatiently staring at his watch.

Everyone sat around fidgeting; Prentiss, Robin, and Rossi were sitting on Barney's couch. Ted, Marshall and Lily were trying to avoid making contact with anything in Barney's apartment and Elle was lying in the middle of the fur rug in front of the couch still in her stripper costume much to Barney's satisfaction.

The whole time they were waiting Barney didn't move and just continued staring at his watch. . .

"Five . . . Four . . . Three . . . Two . . . O-" Barney counted down, but was cut off when Morgan came storming in the room with Reid crutching behind him.

"Sorry we're late," Morgan said panting, "But you're elevator was broken and we had to get Reid up three flights of stairs!"

"One more millisecond and you were out, you two sure are lucky lately!" Barney said, "You know other than the knee thing," he added after Morgan glared at him.

Morgan and Reid sat down on a love-seat next to the couch.

Barney sat down in a chair and told Rossi that it was his turn.

Marshall and Lily sat on a love-seat on the other side of the couch hesitantly. As Rossi stood up, Ted stole his spot.

"Can you move?" Rossi asked Elle in a snarky voice.

"Fuck you! There're no seats left!" Elle shouted while continuing to stare at the ceiling.

"There's room on my lap!" Barney said excitedly.

After Elle had strode over to Barney Rossi began to perform his trick.

"Alright Lily can you help me with this trick?" Rossi asked.

"Sure, but I'm not lying about anything," Lily responded.

"Take a handful of pennies and carefully count them," Rossi instructed.

"Okay, there's twenty-six!" Lily responded.

"Okay drop them on this empty paper plate," Rossi said pointing towards a paper plate sitting on the coffee table.

After Lily had done as she was told Rossi began to speak, "Okay so you've all seen that I haven't touched the pennies, right?"

"Yeah," the audience responded.

"Okay so Lily hold your hands out and I'll poor the pennies back into them!" Rossi said then poured the pennies into Lily's palms and told her to re-count them.

"Thirty-seven," Lily said after she had finished counting.

The audience clapped.

"Lily you're up next!" Barney said.

As Rossi cleaned his stuff up and Lily set hers up Morgan and Reid whispered to each other.

"How'd he do that?" Morgan asked.

"He put two pieces of cardboard underneath the plate, on had a groove that held extra pennies and the other kept those pennies from falling out until tipped," Reid replied quickly.

Lily was now ready to perform her trick; the coffee table in front of her was empty.

"Alright, I'm going to need a volunteer with an iPod," Lily said.

Prentiss stood up and pulled her iPod out of her purse.

"Alright I'd like you to listen to your iPod with the ear buds in," Lily said.

After Prentiss put her ear buds in Lily pulled a pair of scissors out of her pocket and grabbed an ear bud out of Prentiss's ear. She held the cord in her left hand and cut it with her right hand.

"What the hell!" Prentiss screamed. "Who just cuts somebody's headphones?"

Without a word Lily took both ends of the cord and held them together. She made a show of putting them back together and then passed the ear bud back to Prentiss without so much as a cut mark.

Yet again the audience began to clap.

"Wow!" Morgan whispered to Reid.

"She had another piece of white wire in her hand that she replaced it with," Reid answered.

"Ted you're next," Barney said.

Ted walked up with a deck of cards and turned to Elle.

"Alright, you are going to pick a random card and look at it without showing me," Ted began. "When you put it back I will shuffle then guess your card."

Reid held back his laughter at how simple this trick was; in fact he'd already taught it to Jack.

Elle took a card from the middle of the deck and looked at it, the ace of spades.

"Alright now show everyone except for me your card!" Ted said excitedly.

After Elle had sat back down Ted began to talk again, "Now put it on the top of the deck."

After Elle did so Ted gave the deck to Reid with a wink, "Alright, you can shuffle the cards."

Reid rolled his eyes and began to shuffle.

As Ted watched Reid shuffled he came to a horrible realization. _Shit, I forgot to look at the bottom card!_

Reid handed the deck back to Ted who walked over to Elle and began to look through the deck for her card.

"Is this your card?" Ted asked holding up the nine of clubs.

"No," Elle responded.

"How about this one?" Ted asked holding up the queen of hearts.

"No," Elle repeated.

"This one?" Ted asked almost begging now.

"Nope," Elle said starting to get annoyed.

"What about this one?" Ted continued.

"No!" Elle yelled.

"Really?" Ted asked.

"Owwwwwww! Fuck!" Reid screamed in pain at the top of his lungs.

**A/N: Sorry again for the wait, and sorry for the mid chapter author's note, lol! Please review and I'll try to update quickly. Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it. :D Reid sure has a lot of problems, right? Anyways please tell me what you thought of this chapter and if you're still interested in reading the story.**


	12. Slutty Magic! It Catches You Attention!

"_Owwwwwww! Fuck!" Reid screamed in pain at the top of his lungs._

"I know, it's painful to watch," Barney exclaimed.

"Shut up he's hurt!" Morgan screamed.

"No, it's okay Morgan," Reid responded rubbing his knee cap. "It's fine now I just need to take some more painkillers."

After Reid had taken his painkillers and Ted had picked up his deck of cards Barney called up the next act, "Marshall you're up!"

Marshall stood at the front of the room holding up a tooth pick, "Here Barney investigate this toothpick to make sure that its real," he said as he passed the tooth pick to the man sitting underneath Elle.

"It's real," Barney said passing it back to Marshall.

"Okay I'm going to make this tooth pick disappear before your eyes," Marshall continued. He closed his hand into a fist and when he re-opened it it was gone.

"Now look at my hand to prove that it's gone," Marshall said showing his hand to everyone opening and closing his fingers as he did so.

Everyone clapped while Reid whispered to Morgan, "He has it hidden in the back of his ring."

"Morgan you're next," Barney declared.

Morgan walked up to the coffee table and set two watermelons and a knife on the table in front of him.

"Okay Robin write your name on this hundred dollar bill," Morgan said pulling a hundred and a sharpie out of his pocket.

After she had done so he took the bill from her and held up the two fruits to her.

"Pick one," He said.

She pointed to the one on the left so he gave her the one on the right and kept the left one with him.

He set it down on the table and held the hundred dollar bill and asked if anyone had a lighter.

Robin handed one to him and Reid howled in pain.

While everyone stared at him Morgan quickly switched the hundred in his hand with the one hidden in the watermelon.

After everyone looked back at him he held the open lighter up to the hundred and burned it.

"Now I'm going to make your hundred appear in the watermelon you chose," Morgan said.

Morgan picked up the knife and 'cut' into the watermelon and pulled out the hundred.

Everybody clapped and then Barney announced that it was Reid's turn.

Reid stood up with his crutches and asked Elle to put a straightjacket on him.

After it was completely fastened he handed an egg timer to Elle, "Turn this on to three minutes and I'll escape from the straightjacket before it goes off."

As soon as Elle set the timer Reid began to wriggle in his seat, just before the egg timer went off the straight jacket slipped gently off.

"Wow hard act to follow," Barney said after the applause was over, "Prentiss you're up."

Prentiss stood at the front holding a spoon she passed the spoon around, "I am going to bend this ordinary spoon."

When she was given the spoon back she bent it, and then showed it off to everyone. After that she unbent the spoon then passed it around again.

"She just pressed down on it, it was an illusion," Reid told Morgan.

"All right last, but not least Elle," Barney said.

Elle stood at the front of the room and simply said, "I am going to disappear."

With that she was just gone no smoke, no tricks, just plain magic.

She appeared back half a second later in a slutty witch costume.

"Ta-da!" She announced.

"How did she do that?" Morgan asked.

"I have no fucking clue," Reid said staring at her in shock.

**A/N: I hope you liked this chapter! Please review! Also I'm sorry it took so long for me to update I haven't had much spare time lately! Thanks for reading, and next chapter is eliminations!**


	13. Playing Memory With Hookers Yay!

After everybody had settled down and Elle had reclaimed her place on Barney's lap Barney began to speak.

"Alright this wasn't much of a tough decision, so I guess I'm ready to announce the results."

"Oh no, you aren't!" Robin exclaimed feeling cocky. "I still haven't performed my trick yet!"

"Oh right sorry Robin I totally forgot you were in this competition," Barney responded honestly.

"Yeah, I could tell you were a little side tracked," she answered gesturing to the half naked girl on his lap.

"If you're ready feel free to go," Morgan interrupted sick of the sexual tension.

"Sure," Barney and Robin responded at t he same time awkwardly.

Robin walked to the front of the room and announced, "I'm going to pull my finger off."

She ignored Reid's eye roll and put three fingers over her right thumb making it look like her left she then pulled her hands apart and the fake bloody finger she had bought fell to the floor.

She then picked the finger up and 're-attached it.'

"Well wasn't that lame," Reid whispered to Morgan.

"Okay now has everyone gone?" Barney asked.

After a chorus of yeses he continued.

"I think that the person leaving is pretty obvious, Ted you're out." Barney said. "Not only have you consistently done horribly, but you already quit this job in the first place, now get the hell out of my apartment!"

Everybody stared as Ted walked out of the apartment with his head hung in shame, as soon as he was out the door they all burst into laughter.

After the laughter subsided Barney walked to the front of the room.

"The next challenge is tomorrow night, it's a memory contest," Barney began, but paused while Reid grinned wildly and high-fived Morgan. "I have hired eight hookers one for each of you."

Reid's grin disappeared and he began to nervously twiddle his thumbs, while Elle and Rossi grinned wildly. Morgan, Lily, and Marshall didn't look to happy either.

"Each one will pretend like you're just chatting at a bar and will tell you all about their back story that I assigned them. Afterwards each of you will answer the questions on a test about your hooker, lowest score goes home. Meet me here at nine tomorrow night."

Everybody met Barney at his apartment exactly on time; they then got into a limo and drove off to Ted's classroom.

"How'd you get Ted to let you use his classroom?" Marshall asked.

"I told him he could watch this round," Barney responded casually.

When they walked in the room eight girls and Ted were sitting there already.

"Alright we're going to go one at a time, so all of you need to sit in the hall except for Rossi," Barney told the contestants.

Once they were all in the hallway Barney turned to Rossi and gestured him towards his seat.

"Hi, I'm Roxie," Exclaimed a tall red-headed girl in a skimpy dress wearing smudged make-up. "I'm originally from Charlottetown, Canada; I grew up there with my mom, Stacy, my dad, Rick, and my fraternal twin Sally. I wanted to go to Harvard, but I wound up dropping out of high school to help raise money to keep our house. I used to be married, twice actually, first to a guy named Gil, and then to Bobby. I have a pet schnauzer named Twinkle toes and I live alone right now."

As soon as the woman stopped talking Barney handed him a sheet of paper.

Rossi read the first question, 'What was her name?' Roxie, he wrote quickly remembering it because of how similar it was to his own.

He read the second question, 'Where did she grow up?' Dammit, thought Rossi, he thought it over, but couldn't remember the tow name so just wrote Canada.

The third question asked her mom's name, Susie Rossi wrote quickly.

The fourth question asked her dad's name, he thought it over then wrote Rod.

'Was her twin fraternal or identical?' Identical.

'Where did she want to go to school?' Harvard.

'What was her first husband's name?' Bobby.

'What was her second husband's name?' Gil.

'Does she have a cat or a dog?' Dog.

'What breed is it?' Pinscher.

'What is its name?' Tinkerbell.

Rossi handed the page to Barney who quickly marked it then sent Rossi out telling him to send Reid in.

When Reid walked in the door Barney helped him to his desk.

As soon as Reid had sat down his short, blonde-haired, and tubby hooker began to speak reading off of a paper. "Hi, I'm Roxie. I'm originally from Charlottetown, Canada . . ."

**A/N: Sorry it took so brutally long to update! I hope you like this chapter and please review! :D**


	14. Is This Tension Sexual?

Everybody was now done their memory tests and waiting for their results sitting at desk in the classroom.

"Okay, so I know I told you all that you would have hookers with different stories, but really you had different hookers with the same story and questions. I've gone over the results and in first place with a score of 10 out of 10 is Reid." Barney began.

Reid shared a giant grin with Morgan who was rubbing his head.

"Tied for second place with 9 out of 10 are Morgan and Marshall. Third place with 8 out of 10 is Prentiss. In fourth place is Lily with 7 out of 10. Fifth place is Elle with 6.5 out of 10, followed by Robin with 4 out of 10 and in last place Rossi with 3.5 out of ten," Barney announced.

Rossi opened his mouth to talk back, but Ted grabbed him with a giant smirk and dragged him out of the room, "I knew you'd be out this time, looks like Spencer isn't yours."

Meanwhile Reid and Morgan were sharing a seat in one desk.

"Now you guys can have tomorrow off to just hang out tomorrow," Barney said, but something in his voice made the contestants believe that they weren't really getting the day off.

"Well that's good, because I'm taking my Spencey back to the doctor tomorrow," Morgan said challenging Barney to object.

The tension was so thick that at this point everyone had left the room, including Reid who had gotten off of Morgan's lap to crutch out of the room, without either of the men noticing.

"That sounds good, do you mind if I ask what time?" Barney asked gritting his teeth and trying to act casual.

"You can, but I'm not going to answer," Morgan said then got out of his desk and walked towards the door, he stopped right in front of it and said, "I've got to go help my boyfriend to the limo."

"Well since we came here in my limo I guess I'll just walk with you," Barney said.

"Fine," Morgan said as he left the room.

The next morning in the hotel room Reid woke up to a stabbing pain in his left leg, "Dammit!" He exclaimed when he noticed that Morgan wasn't lying in the next bed.

He attempted to get up, but when he went to grab his crutches they fell, and he fell with him.

Reid laid there for at least half an hour before Morgan finally came back.

Morgan walked over to Reid's bed to wake him up to get ready for the doctor when he noticed he wasn't in there.

"Reid? Where are you?" Morgan asked concerned.

"I'm down here!" Reid called in a pained voice.

"Oh my god!" Morgan said when he saw his boyfriend laying on the ground. "I knew I shouldn't have left you alone here to go to breakfast with Prentiss and Elle, you were just so cute and I didn't want to wake you up!"

Reid just responded with a small groan and a pathetic 'it's not your fault.'

Morgan instantly helped Spencer up and placed him on the bed when he started almost crying from pain.

When Morgan began to walk away Reid began to whimper.

"It's okay pretty boy, I'm just calling Emily and Elle to help take you to your doctor, your appointments in a few minutes anyways," Morgan said as he picked up the phone.

Reid stopped whimpering and tried to make his leg comfortable causing even more pain.

**A/N: Sorry again for how long this has taken, I hope you like it. Also I really have no idea for what happens next so if you have any ideas for another contest I'd love to hear them! Please review and thanks for reading!**


	15. Overall Losers

"Well everything looks alright with his leg," Spencer's doctor informed the couple.

"That's good. So he can go back to his normal activity?" Morgan asked.

"If by normal activity you mean that silly contest I wouldn't advise it," The doctor told him.

"I'll be fine," Reid insisted. "I'm not giving up my leg feels fine now."

"Okay," The doctor said exasperated, "But be careful, you don't want to cause permanent damage to your knee."

When they got back to the hotel there was a meeting going on in the lobby.

"There they are!" Barney declared. "Now we can start the contest!"

"Great," Said Morgan unenthusiastically.

"This is what being a wingman is about, being there at any hour," Barney said.

"Actually that's what relationships are about," Marshall argued.

"Whatever," Barney said ignoring him. "In this competition several of you could leave, that means we'll be down to the top competitors."

There was a long pause.

"Aren't you going to tell us what the contest is?" Asked Prentiss.

"Oh yeah," Barney said snapping out of his trance. "I got distracted by a hot girl sorry! Your challenge is that you are all going to go try to pick up girls wearing overalls. Those back with a girl while wearing overalls within an hour are in, the others are out!"

With that Barney began to hand out pairs of overalls to each of them.

"Your hour starts now!" Barney yelled.

Reid had heard that there was a comic book convention in town, two blocks over and figured it was his bet, and they would have the lowest standards for sure.

He walked, or crutched, into the convention and was instantly swarmed by a group of female geeks.

"Oh my god he's way too attractive to be here!" One yelled.

"Aww he's injured I can fix him," Another yelled.

Reid just turned around and crutched back the two blocks back with the girls still freaking out over him following him.

He stepped into the hotel lobby with a grin.

"What the hell!" Barney said when he saw Reid's swarm of women. "How did you get this many women in-" He looked down at his watch. "Three minutes?"

Reid just smiled and sat down.

Morgan took a different approach he walked three blocks in the other direction and stepped into a bar without any shirt on underneath his overalls.

"Look at his muscles!" A group of drunken girls squealed. "Missy he's yours since it's your birthday!"

A girl from the group wearing tiara stumbled over to him.

"Hey, I'm Missy. It's my birthday!" She said happily.

"Do you want to go?" He asked casually.

"Sure!" She said excitedly. "But can you give me a piggy back ride I can't seem to balance!"

Morgan agreed and carried the woman back on his shoulders.

When he got back into the lobby he was surprised to see Reid already back with a crowd of women around him.

Prentiss was wandering around looking for somewhere to go when she saw a man mugging a woman.

She took her gun out and apprehended the mugger, handcuffed him to the dumpster, then called the police.

She took her FBI badge out of her overalls, showed it to the victim and asked her to come with her.

When they arrived back at the lobby the woman was confused.

"Why are we here?" She asked.

"I think you should stay here for the night, just in case," Prentiss said.

The woman went and booked a room, then sat down next to Prentiss to wait for her room to be prepared.

Elle walked ten blocks to a lesbian bar, walked in licked the nearest girl's face, and then flashed her.

"Let's go," Said Elle and led the woman back to the hotel.

After the long walk they made it back just in time.

Robin was dressed up as her doppelganger fully ready to find someone when she saw Don.

It was already forty-five minutes into the hour when she found him; she spent the rest of the hour trying to convince him to take her back.

She got back to the lobby with Don right on time.

Marshall and Lily were walking around together in a bar.

They would approach people, but would be mocked for their matching overalls.

They couldn't get even one girl in between the two of them.

They showed up fifteen minutes late.

As soon as they showed up Barney began to speak. "I think the results are fairly obvious. Robin, Don isn't a girl you're out, Lily and Marshall you two are out too. We're down to our top four now Reid, Morgan, Prentiss, and Elle."

Morgan turned to Reid and whispered, "We have a fifty percent chance of winning."

"Actually based on Barney's liking for Elle and hatred for us its closer to a one in three chance," Reid corrected his boyfriend.

"Shut up math whiz!" Morgan said playfully punching Spencer's arm.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this took so long NaNoWriMo was too much of a distraction! Hope you like this chapter, sorry its so short. Please review and I'd love to hear who you'd like to win! :D**

**Also I deeply apologize for the horible horrible pun (if you can even call it that) of this chapter's name, I couldn't think of anything! Why is it harder to name chapters than write them?**


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